1982?

25 years ago. That's a long time. A clown then, a clown now. A skewed smile, a skewed look on life.

I'm not sure if I was much different then than I am now. I like to play, I like to put on a face. It opens up so much. Perhaps I was closer to my friends then than now. It might be said I have a tendency yo zone out, to dream away, to make worlds where a clown is the most serious person there.

I am not yet so old that I have any reason to look back, to make any autobiography. Still, it is nice seeing that picture again. It was a beautiful august day, together with my neighbour, her somewhat nervous little brother and her cousin in the background. I remember I looked forward to seeing that cousing, totally captivated by her beauty. Maybe I did not have very vivid fantasies of what to do with that stomach churning feeling when attracted to beauty, and I cannot say I was in love. Seeing beauty just sort of made me feel good. Then as now.

What I dream of now is perhaps that life be a bit more like walking carelessly with a clowns mask, playing, skipping down the street, careless and free of worries. Life is, or should not be, just worries, work and obligation.

These thoughts might have popped up after the death of Mwalami. A few days after his death I got to know how he lived those last months, and the reason for his untimely demise. As it happens, he fell out of a tree - probably while being his usual carefree self, playing and laughing. He became unconsciuos, but seemed to get along well after a few weeks. Six months later, the night before an exam, he dropped dead. Just like that.

He continued at school. From when I helped him get into fourth grade, his first experience with school, he now was having final exams in seventh grade. He supposedly did splendidly at school. He was, according to those who lived with him, a very happy boy. As I knew him. Just those simple facts gave me great consolation. Knowing that what we struggled with, all those letters and numbers and swim strokes, did not go wasted. Yes, I choose to celebrate his life, and the life of all children finding the world exciting, strange and full of people and things to explore. No use being sad of all that did not become.

Get out and play.